Bag Ladies Radio

Hello All!

I have some exciting news to share with you!!!

I'm going to be on Bag Ladies Radio tomorrow, Tuesday, at 8:00pm EST talking about my most recent post Chilli's Wants Are Not Your Needs. I was approached by the Beautiful Lady Erin to be on their Tuesday Night show, so of course I had to say yes. I hope all the single ladies who tune in tomorrow gets something from the program.

Bag Ladies is an intimate, entertaining, cutting-edge,

lifestyle radio show about the reality of life, living and being a woman.

The weekly show broadcasts nationally via blogtalkradio, an online social

radio network. Unscripted, it mimics the tone of those gal pal get-togethers

when ladies kick off those Jimmy Choo's, grab a glass of (wine) and chat it

up about every topic under the sun. Based in Washington, DC, Bag Ladies

speaks to the baggage that women carry be it a diaper bag or emotional

baggage but yet still maintains balance in her life.

Bag Ladies is comprised of Lady Erin, Madame Myra, Miz Adams. These are some fabulous ladies so make sure you check out their website!

Bag Ladies Radio is Every Tuesday at 7PM EST.

These are some fabulous ladies so make sure you keep up with them and their fabulosity!

Click here to tune in live!

♥ Tesha

Chilli's wants are NOT your needs....

Chilli and her now infamous list is not good fodder for single women everywhere. Think about it, she is almost 40 and has NEVER been married. She has a son out of wedlock and is now on a search for this imaginary perfect guy. I can’t take a woman seriously if she is one of the only unmarried people in her group of friends. She’s a gorgeous woman, but thank God she doesn’t give love advice. Below is her list of qualities for a man.

What Chilli Wants
1. Fine/Gorgeous
2. Sensitive
3. Great Sense of Humor
4. Believe in God
5. 6 pack abs but ok with a 4 pack
6. Tall
7. Successful
8. Can have up to 2 baby mamas
9. Big Package
10. Don’t drink
11. Don’t Smoke
12. Don’t Eat Pork
13. No Big Egos

Although most women have a similar list, they are failing because they hold to this list so much, just like Chilli.

Below is my list that I think single women should take into consideration as they search for that perfect mate.


My top 10 list for single women

10. Have high standards, but realistic expectations
There is nothing truly wrong with Chilli’s list of wants. Most women have an almost identical list of their own. What bothers me about the list and Chilli is not just that she has high standards (like most single women), but she has over-the-top expectations. Before she is even willing to give a man a chance when she meets him, she already has an expectation for the outside AND the inside. And let’s be real ladies, how many of you even have the same qualities that you want your potential man to have? Be honest with yourself. Ladies, have high standards, but keep your expectations realistic.

9. Give the little guy a chance
Every woman wants the Tyson Beckfords, Hill Harpers, and Idris Elbas but very seldom will they admittedly want the Johnny “No Names” of the world. You see, ladies, you have to give the little guy a chance because honestly you don’t know what he is trying to accomplish and you definitely don’t know where or who he will be in a couple of years. If Michelle hadn’t given Barack a chance when she met him as an inexperienced lawyer she would have lost her opportunity to be the First Lady. Think about it.

8. You catch more flies with honey
When a guy says hello to you, there is nothing wrong with giving him a pleasant smile and saying hello back. You might meet Mr. Right, if you tone down that attitude and learn to keep your smart mouth in check. No man is going to want to approach a woman if she appears to have an attitude. So, if you want to catch more flies (i.e. men), you’re going to have to turn up the sweetness.

7. Be a lady, not a bitch
Chivalry is only dead if you kill it. If a man opens a door for you, you should tell him thank you, not tell him you can do it yourself and give him major attitude (see #8). Men WANT to do chivalrous things for women, the reason why they don’t is because women don’t see the value in being a lady anymore. If he is going to go out of his way to do something nice, like pick up the check or open the door or pull out your chair, the least you can do is be a lady about it.

6. You receive what you send out
I’m a big believer in karma (the belief that what you send out into the universe comes back to you in abundance). If you wish to have a good man with everything on your “list,” then you need to be sending out positive vibes and be specific (and realistic) to what you want. Saying “I want a good man” means nothing to the universe. You might get a good man who happens to also have a record, just got laid off, and has major ambitions to be the blocks next superstar….but he’s still a good man. Get the F*** outta here!

5. Change your routine
If you’re doing something and are fed up with the results, then it’s time to change your routine. If you keep meeting dead-beat losers in the club…then maybe you shouldn’t try to meet guys in the club. If you realize guys keep running away when you open your mouth to speak, then maybe you should evaluate what you’re saying to them. It’s simple. When you want better results, change your routine.

4. Be open minded
As a black woman, I find it interesting how black women are quick to complain about there not being any men out there for them and how they search and search, but yet they refuse to think outside the box. Or better yet their race. You are limiting yourself by placing your potential mate in a cookie cutter box. How likely are you to date a man that has all the qualities you want, however he’s a totally different race than you? His chances of being with you are probably slim to none. By expanding your search to include more races, you are more likely to find that potential mate. Think Something New with Sanaa Lathan.

3. Substance vs. surface
One thing I didn’t like about Chilli’s list was how her list was comprised of superficial qualities. It’s great to have a man that’s wonderful to look at, but does he have substance? What I mean by that is can he hold a conversation? Is he able to give you mindgasms? Take Jay-Z for instance, not 100% to look at, but when he opens his mouth…instant mindgasm. Look, beauty fades, but wisdom is forever.

2. Independence vs. interdependence. Do you know the difference?
All these single women talking about “I don’t need a man this. I don’t need a man that.” But secretly you want one? To be in a relationship means that you have to depend on one another for love, support, and even finances to name a few. That means that you two are INTERDEPENDENT. There is no such thing as independence in a relationship because you now have to lean on the other for something. When you realize that you need a man just as much as you want one, eventually he will come to you.

1. Love yourself
There are so many single women out here, searching for the perfect guy who will fall in love with them. But the only problem is…these women fail to love themselves first. No one can love you if you don’t love yourself. I think Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City said it best,
“The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."

I hope if there is a single gal out there reading this, it helps them to finally get the mate of their dreams.

&hearts Tesha




*As discussed on Bag Ladies Radio*

The Kinks

I went to a networking mixer with one of my good friends. It was something along the lines of a new designer put together a mix, massage, and mingle event. It was nice. The designer had some nice pieces to offer and the crowd was full of people from all over this great city. We did our thing working the room and talking to everybody, ensuring not a person left without A. our business cards and B. having spoken with us briefly.

“I’m going to make sure our names are on the list for the complimentary massage,” Jessie informed me.

“Okay girl. No problem!” I said. I was never one to say no to a massage, much less a free one.

Still working our magic in the room, we got into an interesting and entertaining conversation with Linda, the associate editor of Femme Fatale magazine, a publication for the free spirited female entrepreneur. She was one of those people that commanded attention. When she started a conversation, you couldn’t help but to listen and interact. Our conversation started with something as minute as the strawberries on the fruit platter, but somehow we traveled to topics including being independent vs. being interdependent…

“You know most women don’t actually know the difference. They are so strung out on this notion of being ‘independent’ that they neglect to realize that it is the reason they are single." When you find yourself in a relationship, the term ‘independent’ doesn’t exist because you have to rely so heavily on your mate. Thus making you inter-dependent,” She expressed.

Jessie and I were so intrigued by the concept because we literally walked into the event discussing the topic.

Our conversation was on a roadtrip to various topics. We made a stop to the sexually free discussion when Linda asked us what it means to be sexually free or liberated.

“So ladies, let me pose this question to you. What does it mean to you to be sexually liberated?” She asked.

“Well, to be sexually liberated means that you have to be sexually open minded as well. You have to free your mind of what society wants you to think is sexy or taboo and what you morally think is sexy or taboo.But the problem lies in how society has us so conformed we can’t differentiate our morals from theirs,” Jessie, Ms. Sexually Liberated, expressed.

“I can agree with you but in order to be sexually liberated you do have to break down the societal walls…and I can honestly say that I have yet to break down much in that department. What about you Linda?” I asked.

“Well ladies, to me to be sexually liberated means taking responsibility for your sexuality and knowing what you like vs. what society wants you to like. I fully agree with Jessie in her definition of sexual liberation. When I started my journey in exploring the concept, I took many adventures. My adventures include men, women, and those in between and I am not afraid to admit that. But in order for me to be comfortable with the concept I, myself, had to explore it on my own,” stated Linda.

We agreed with her. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take the plunge in sexual exploration but I had definitely given it some thought before. I agreed with myself that if the opportunity presented itself, that I would be open minded in researching it.

“Jessie Hernandez? The masseuse is ready for you,” said the hostess.

“Well, ladies. I have to go enjoy being rubbed down. Try not to miss me too much,” Jessie said with sass as she walked away.

“So Ms. Linda, how did you come up with the idea for Femme Fatale Magazine?” I asked.

“Well, Femme Fatale started as an online blog about 5 years ago,” she began.

“I was in my journalism class and our senior project was to create a new publication not before seen. My idea was to create a magazine geared towards women, 21-55, that wasn't about fashion or beauty or the like, but catered to the woman of the 21st century, the female entrepreneur,” she stated.

“I definitely got an A on the project, but I didn’t want to just leave it as some project that I did in college and decided to turn it into an online blog. I was lucky because when I started it, it was before blogs got really popular. It became successful being that I had the chance to interview some remarkable women and had other great women contribute. After it ran through its course of being a blog, I took the funding I received from the blog and with the help of some notable friends and associates it became the magazine you see today,” she said, a smile of accomplishment riddled on her face.

I was so enamored with this woman and hearing the story of how one of the greatest and truest magazines came to fruition made me want to fall in love with her. I get so inspired by women who work hard to ensure that their dreams are realized. I am even more inspired when they do it mostly by themselves.

“Oh. My. God. Win. That was the BEST mini massage that I have EVER experienced in my life. Girl, I damn near had an orgasm right there in the chair,” Jessie embellished.

“Ha Ha! That must’ve been one helluva massage! I can’t wait to get mine.” I stated to her excitedly.

“Girl, they have the mood already ready for you before you even get in there. They have the lights low, candles light, soft music, aromatherapy going. And then when they speak to you it sounds ‘Just. Like. This.’” Jessie said making her voice soft and soothing.

“Oh my goodness it was magical,” she gushed.

“Winnie Adams? The masseuse is ready for you,” the hostess called.

I was elated. After listening to Jessie go on and on about how wonderful the massage was and how magical the ambience was, I was running to get to the massage room to experience it for myself.

“You’ll be in room 3, right here to the left. The masseuse will enter in about a minute. Just get comfortable and relax,” the hostess told me as she ushered me to my room.

I entered the room, Jessie was right. The room was light by candle light creating a sensual glow around the room. Soft music was playing. It wasn’t quite jazz, but it definitely had a calming melody. The room smelled like lavender and rose oil. My senses were in over drive. I couldn’t wait until the masseuse made his grand entrance.

I took off my coat and set my purse down on the available table next to the massage chair. I placed myself on the waiting massage chair and got comfortable. I heard a knock on the door and someone entered in.

The masseuse entered in exactly one minute, just like the hostess said he would.

“Good evening. I’ll be your masseuse this evening. I want you to clear your mind and let the world go,” said a female voice.

I wasn’t all that comfortable with having feminine hands on my body, but it was a free massage and Jessie said that it was magical. So I gave her a try. I let my mind be clear and tried my best to relax.

“I’m going to get some chamomile and lavender oil for your massage today. It will help you to relax and open your senses,” she said, “Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

I relax into the chair and allow my senses to be taken away by the candles, the music, the oils, and the experience.

She starts by gently massaging my neck, providing pressure in all the right spots. I carry most of my stress in my neck; everything that she is doing makes me moan a little to myself.

“Is the pressure okay? Do you want me to go harder or softer?” she asks with her soft voice.

“No, no. The pressure is perfect, please don’t stop,” I say to her, mouth dry.

Her sweet sensual touches move lower to my back. Although I am sitting in a chair, she is making me feel as if I’m lying naked on a beach with a warm air passing over me. Her touches are like foreplay for me right now.

It feels like when you are lying in bed and you are kissing your partner with the utmost passion. The heat from the attraction that you both harness makes you hot from the bottom of your soul. You are so inebriated by the endorphins that to have sex with this person would send you clear over the edge. I’m pretty sure I’m not gay, but she is making me want to experience that hidden side of me right now.

My body is so turned on by her. I lose myself.

Her touches get harder and deeper into my body. The pressure builds from deep within me. She travels lower to my hips. I moan silently to myself…or at least I think I’m moaning silently. She has to know what she is doing to me. She has to know that her fingers are magical. I have to have her for my own. I feel so addicted to her right now.

She massages my hips.

I’m sure she can hear my moans and whimpers.

She increases her pressure.

The 4 Cs in a relationship

So recently I’ve been inundated with examples of what a relationship should be, what a relationship shouldn’t, and what is missing in start-up relationships. I remember having a conversation with one of my friends about why our generation is having so many issues with long lasting relationships. I feel like so many of us in this generation are too stuck on the I part of the relationship. We want to be [I]ndependent and [I]solated from each other that when the relationship fails we are left wondering what happened to “WE” instead of taking the time out to see that the problem was “I” in the first place. We have also forgotten that in order to make a relationship work in the first place it takes HARDWORK.

I would be a fool to have just quit my relationship of 8 years because he sometimes forgot to clean the bathroom or it irritated me when he seemingly acted nonchalant to my feelings. There already aren’t enough men in the world and granted no one wants to settle but it’s not settling if you are working hard to make the relationship work and if the relationship is worth the work.

Lately, I’ve been noticing boat loads of examples of relationships as my own relationship starts transitioning to a new chapter. I’ve noticed relationships that are storybook from people my own age. I’ve seen relationships that are tragically unhappy from the generation previous. And I’ve seen start-up relationships that can go either way depending on how the two decide to make it work.


*Cliff and *Claire
(mid 20s, Love at first sight type of love story, married 6 months)
• Their relationship is interesting in how they met and how their love unfolded. When you see them, you wouldn’t know that their relationship started by a chance encounter on one of your local social media websites. Fate struck when they met at the local mall and instantly hit it off. These two have literally been inseparable since their very first encounter. They moved in almost immediately and soon after got married. They have currently been married for about 7 months. And I know what you’re thinking, “They met on the internet? She moved in with him? They got married so soon?” But ask yourself this: Are you married? How long did you know the person in your last relationship? Did it work out?
• They’ve shown me that it doesn’t matter how you meet a person or how long you’ve known them, if love is meant to be then it will surely happen.


*Marcus and *Angela
(late 40s-50s, fell in love fast but fell out of love even faster, married 13 years)
• They have your typical love story. Man and woman meet at a party thrown by mutual friends, through the coaxing of said mutual friends they start dating. After a few years, they get married. Their two previous families merge making one big family, child comes along and it’s wedded bliss until it becomes marital hell. When we think of how marriage is supposed to happen we always think about the “perfect” encounter but then when the stereotypical bad outcomes happen we are telling ourselves how different our situation is from the next person’s. What stands out to me the most about this couple is their resistance to 1. Change and 2. Working it out. They both assume that the other is going to do or say something and then they want to get mad at the other for not taking the first step. The first step happens when you decide it happens. Since neither of them decided to take the first step, unfortunately they are filling for divorce and haven’t slept in the same bed for almost 5 years.
• What they have taught me is how important the 4 Cs are in a relationship. It’s not enough to just BE in a relationship you have to 4C in the relationship too!


*Carrie and *Big
(late 20s-30s, typical on again/ off again love story, dating for about 3+ years)
• The found each other by chance and decided to give it a try. The first time didn’t quite work out. Neither did the second or third or fourth times. Now she is legitimately trying to make it work but he’s not giving any real declarations about it. Both of them have been in serious relationships before, one of them has even been married before but what wasn’t learned from those previous relationships is slowly manifesting itself into this relationship. Their relationship can either go the Bill/ Claire route or the Marcus/ Angela route dependent upon how she communicates with him and how he compromises with her.
• What I am learning about this relationship is that women need to let a man know what she will take and what she will not. It’s not enough to talk about the good in a relationship, we have to deal with and talk about the bad. If you can’t look him in the eyes and let him know that you intend on being in this relationship for the long run then you might need to work on you. If he doesn’t know that you are looking for a husband because you are ready to be a wife, then maybe you need to work on you. If he can’t see you in his future, then he doesn’t need to be in your present. (period)

A relationship takes so many things to work and yes it can be tiring, yes it can be painful, and yes it most definitely can be challenging. But the 4 Cs can help.


Companionship
A person who is frequently in the company of, associates with, or accompanies another
You’re in a relationship to be in the company of someone else. To be with someone who supports you 360, who cares for you and who loves you. If you try to enter into a relationship stuck on yourself, then guess what? You’ll end up by yourself.


Compassion
A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
No one wants to converse or associate with a person who cannot understand where they are coming from. Granted men and women are different but when it all comes down to it, are we really? Men want what we want in a relationship, to be understood and taken seriously. So stop with the bitchassness! There is a reason you have two ears and one mouth...


Communication
The imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.
Whatever happened to the art of communication? When a man and a woman could speak from their souls without the threat of looking like a dumbass or loon? Or rather whatever happened to say what you mean and mean what you say? I will admit, as a woman, I would like for my man to know what I mean before I say it, but let’s be honest none of us are mind readers so how can we expect him to know what we mean or want if we don’t even know what we mean or want? The best relationships are those where the couples know how to communicate effectively whether it is talking when a problem arises or not talking when we are pissed at each other so we can communicate effectively with a clear head. When we learn how to communicate better, we learn if there are problems and how to fix them, we learn more about our mates, and we learn to understand each other more.


Compromise
A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
Let’s be honest, my man and I don’t agree on everything. I actually enjoy the fact that he has his own mind. I can honestly say that we have grown a lot in our relationship to the point where when we have an argument we have learned to either agree to disagree or we just completely squash it. Arguments only last as long as you hold that grudge. On the other hand compromise also means knowing when to choose your battles. We all have flaws, including you. So getting upset with something minute about him and causing a huge blowout is only going to leave you single and confused. Choose your battles.


These are just some things that were on my mind lately. I hope if anyone has been having an issue in their relationship that this helps. I hope for those whose relationship is near perfect, I congratulate you. For you single gals, don't worry love will find you.

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."
--Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

XOXO
Tesha

Dance of the booty call

The booty call. We’ve all done it, experienced it, or did both, but now what? You are in a relationship or married, so really there is no need for the booty call….well unless you are being unfaithful which my dear is out of the bounds of my personal life. But really, when you are with someone for a long time and you want to spice things up a bit, why not input the booty call? I am personally in a long term, committed relationship and we don’t really live with each other as of yet, but I found my little experiment in “Booty Calling” to be highly effective. I’ll set the scenario up for you….

It was the weekend, the time when we separated ourselves from each other to maintain our single status sanity and give each other the space necessary to do whatever it is we needed to get done before the week found us again with no work done. Specifically it was Saturday, for me it was my cleaning day and the day I utilized to catch up on my favorite sport….dancing in my room. For him it was a day of solace on the computer to get some work done for his business. I didn’t really bother him much through-out the day because of course I too didn’t want to be bothered.

The day passes us by and I am fine with the 5-10 minutes we talked all day. But as I look at the clock and see that it is around 1:00AM, something tickles me in my loins. I wait it out for a couple minutes posting innuendos on Twitter and @replying him to it, hoping he will get the hint and call. Mostly because every woman wants to be chased and every man wants to be the chaser, even if they both know they got each other already. But he doesn’t call me and I don’t get my instant gratification from a phone call. So I take matters into my own hands.

I want some @hisnamehere Send.
Received: What do you want bookey.
Some you. Send.
Received: What do you want to do?
Have sex! Are you at home? Send.
Received: Lol! Yes I am would you like to come over?
No. I want you to come over here. Send.
Received: Uhhh ok
See you in 10? Send.
Received: Let’s make it 20
Okay. Send.
Forward. Yes I am. But the placement of the booty call was still successful. He enters into my place already knowing what I wanted and it was a little paprika on the already spicy sex life we have.

I shut down the computer and walk to my bed, his eyes following my every move. I can tell he is ready to unwrap this package nestled inside a blue cotton robe. I give him a kiss on his lips to greet him and let him know I am ready when he is ready to take me. He lays me on the bed running his hands through my now short and natural mini fro. I admire that he loves me for me even when I think I look my worse. He unfastens the belt of my robe and unmasks my nude body. He caresses me with a feathery touch, making me squirm and giggle under his fingertips. He kisses my cheeks, tends to my lips, and then re-acquaints his lips with the rest of my body.

He takes his time when he kisses my nipples, making wet circles around the areola, suckling on my nipples as I coo beneath him. His fingers are still in the foray of foreplay intensifying all the sensations taking place. I feel heady already and we haven’t even begun to get to the real subject of the night. He teases me by lightly grazing his fingertips through my fuzzy peach before he slowly makes his way down to my grove. He knows what he is doing. He knows I like to be teased. He kisses me all around and near my pussy, but doesn’t dive in. It drives me crazy, but in the end I know it’s all worth it. Finally after what feels like hours of oral foreplay, he dives tongue first into my now throbbing vagina.

I realize in order for a true booty call to work, the booty callee must know what the booty caller wants before he/she even proceeds to accept the invitation. If he would have came in asking me specifically what I wanted, as late as it was, I would have gotten out of the mood. There is always a time and place for soft sensual “conversations” and right now was not that time.

He dives tongue first into my now throbbing vagina. I squeal with the excitement of his hot breath on my clitoris. He turns his body to me so his dick is within arm’s reach of me. I jack him off slowly listening to him moan inside me. I stroke him more to increase my pleasure than to add to his own, but either way we are both feeling hot. My body going haywire is fuel for him to make me cum. I try not to concentrate on the feelings that are welling up inside me, but it’s too great for me to bear and I release.
Instant Gratification.
But the fun wasn’t over yet. I may have gotten some oral pleasure, but I still wanted to be fucked. He tells me to get to the edge of the bed and turn over. I finagle my way to the foot of the bed and sensually bend over, giving him full view of my round derriere. He stands close behind me, I can feel his dick bouncing against my ass. Excitement the fodder of its movement. He takes his finger and inserts it into my pussy, ensuring that it’s still wet and ready for him. I moan.

Slowly he slides his dick into my pussy, prepping me for him to beat it out of control. He grabs me by the hips and guides my body against his. As he slows, my body takes over. I gyrate and whine against him. His soft moans making the naughty island girl come to life. He stops me, to regain his composure and takes over. Bouncing and pounding against me, increasing the twitches and throbs welling in me. We have this sexual competition over and over. I can’t just let him have all the control and I bounce against him making him lose his cool trying to keep up with the insane dance I do against him. I have to catch my breath, panting from this cardio we do.

“I know you’re not tired?” He says to me
“No, just making sure you can keep up,” I cockily reply to him.
Our syncopation: I grab the sheets. He holds my hips. We grind against each other. He thrusts into me. I thrust against him. He holds my waist. I press against him. We are a rhythmically sexual embodiment of passion. This tango of moans and skin reaches its apex. Our dance becomes that of two exerted lovers en fuego.