Chilli's wants are NOT your needs....

Chilli and her now infamous list is not good fodder for single women everywhere. Think about it, she is almost 40 and has NEVER been married. She has a son out of wedlock and is now on a search for this imaginary perfect guy. I can’t take a woman seriously if she is one of the only unmarried people in her group of friends. She’s a gorgeous woman, but thank God she doesn’t give love advice. Below is her list of qualities for a man.

What Chilli Wants
1. Fine/Gorgeous
2. Sensitive
3. Great Sense of Humor
4. Believe in God
5. 6 pack abs but ok with a 4 pack
6. Tall
7. Successful
8. Can have up to 2 baby mamas
9. Big Package
10. Don’t drink
11. Don’t Smoke
12. Don’t Eat Pork
13. No Big Egos

Although most women have a similar list, they are failing because they hold to this list so much, just like Chilli.

Below is my list that I think single women should take into consideration as they search for that perfect mate.


My top 10 list for single women

10. Have high standards, but realistic expectations
There is nothing truly wrong with Chilli’s list of wants. Most women have an almost identical list of their own. What bothers me about the list and Chilli is not just that she has high standards (like most single women), but she has over-the-top expectations. Before she is even willing to give a man a chance when she meets him, she already has an expectation for the outside AND the inside. And let’s be real ladies, how many of you even have the same qualities that you want your potential man to have? Be honest with yourself. Ladies, have high standards, but keep your expectations realistic.

9. Give the little guy a chance
Every woman wants the Tyson Beckfords, Hill Harpers, and Idris Elbas but very seldom will they admittedly want the Johnny “No Names” of the world. You see, ladies, you have to give the little guy a chance because honestly you don’t know what he is trying to accomplish and you definitely don’t know where or who he will be in a couple of years. If Michelle hadn’t given Barack a chance when she met him as an inexperienced lawyer she would have lost her opportunity to be the First Lady. Think about it.

8. You catch more flies with honey
When a guy says hello to you, there is nothing wrong with giving him a pleasant smile and saying hello back. You might meet Mr. Right, if you tone down that attitude and learn to keep your smart mouth in check. No man is going to want to approach a woman if she appears to have an attitude. So, if you want to catch more flies (i.e. men), you’re going to have to turn up the sweetness.

7. Be a lady, not a bitch
Chivalry is only dead if you kill it. If a man opens a door for you, you should tell him thank you, not tell him you can do it yourself and give him major attitude (see #8). Men WANT to do chivalrous things for women, the reason why they don’t is because women don’t see the value in being a lady anymore. If he is going to go out of his way to do something nice, like pick up the check or open the door or pull out your chair, the least you can do is be a lady about it.

6. You receive what you send out
I’m a big believer in karma (the belief that what you send out into the universe comes back to you in abundance). If you wish to have a good man with everything on your “list,” then you need to be sending out positive vibes and be specific (and realistic) to what you want. Saying “I want a good man” means nothing to the universe. You might get a good man who happens to also have a record, just got laid off, and has major ambitions to be the blocks next superstar….but he’s still a good man. Get the F*** outta here!

5. Change your routine
If you’re doing something and are fed up with the results, then it’s time to change your routine. If you keep meeting dead-beat losers in the club…then maybe you shouldn’t try to meet guys in the club. If you realize guys keep running away when you open your mouth to speak, then maybe you should evaluate what you’re saying to them. It’s simple. When you want better results, change your routine.

4. Be open minded
As a black woman, I find it interesting how black women are quick to complain about there not being any men out there for them and how they search and search, but yet they refuse to think outside the box. Or better yet their race. You are limiting yourself by placing your potential mate in a cookie cutter box. How likely are you to date a man that has all the qualities you want, however he’s a totally different race than you? His chances of being with you are probably slim to none. By expanding your search to include more races, you are more likely to find that potential mate. Think Something New with Sanaa Lathan.

3. Substance vs. surface
One thing I didn’t like about Chilli’s list was how her list was comprised of superficial qualities. It’s great to have a man that’s wonderful to look at, but does he have substance? What I mean by that is can he hold a conversation? Is he able to give you mindgasms? Take Jay-Z for instance, not 100% to look at, but when he opens his mouth…instant mindgasm. Look, beauty fades, but wisdom is forever.

2. Independence vs. interdependence. Do you know the difference?
All these single women talking about “I don’t need a man this. I don’t need a man that.” But secretly you want one? To be in a relationship means that you have to depend on one another for love, support, and even finances to name a few. That means that you two are INTERDEPENDENT. There is no such thing as independence in a relationship because you now have to lean on the other for something. When you realize that you need a man just as much as you want one, eventually he will come to you.

1. Love yourself
There are so many single women out here, searching for the perfect guy who will fall in love with them. But the only problem is…these women fail to love themselves first. No one can love you if you don’t love yourself. I think Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City said it best,
“The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."

I hope if there is a single gal out there reading this, it helps them to finally get the mate of their dreams.

&hearts Tesha




*As discussed on Bag Ladies Radio*