The 4 Cs in a relationship

So recently I’ve been inundated with examples of what a relationship should be, what a relationship shouldn’t, and what is missing in start-up relationships. I remember having a conversation with one of my friends about why our generation is having so many issues with long lasting relationships. I feel like so many of us in this generation are too stuck on the I part of the relationship. We want to be [I]ndependent and [I]solated from each other that when the relationship fails we are left wondering what happened to “WE” instead of taking the time out to see that the problem was “I” in the first place. We have also forgotten that in order to make a relationship work in the first place it takes HARDWORK.

I would be a fool to have just quit my relationship of 8 years because he sometimes forgot to clean the bathroom or it irritated me when he seemingly acted nonchalant to my feelings. There already aren’t enough men in the world and granted no one wants to settle but it’s not settling if you are working hard to make the relationship work and if the relationship is worth the work.

Lately, I’ve been noticing boat loads of examples of relationships as my own relationship starts transitioning to a new chapter. I’ve noticed relationships that are storybook from people my own age. I’ve seen relationships that are tragically unhappy from the generation previous. And I’ve seen start-up relationships that can go either way depending on how the two decide to make it work.


*Cliff and *Claire
(mid 20s, Love at first sight type of love story, married 6 months)
• Their relationship is interesting in how they met and how their love unfolded. When you see them, you wouldn’t know that their relationship started by a chance encounter on one of your local social media websites. Fate struck when they met at the local mall and instantly hit it off. These two have literally been inseparable since their very first encounter. They moved in almost immediately and soon after got married. They have currently been married for about 7 months. And I know what you’re thinking, “They met on the internet? She moved in with him? They got married so soon?” But ask yourself this: Are you married? How long did you know the person in your last relationship? Did it work out?
• They’ve shown me that it doesn’t matter how you meet a person or how long you’ve known them, if love is meant to be then it will surely happen.


*Marcus and *Angela
(late 40s-50s, fell in love fast but fell out of love even faster, married 13 years)
• They have your typical love story. Man and woman meet at a party thrown by mutual friends, through the coaxing of said mutual friends they start dating. After a few years, they get married. Their two previous families merge making one big family, child comes along and it’s wedded bliss until it becomes marital hell. When we think of how marriage is supposed to happen we always think about the “perfect” encounter but then when the stereotypical bad outcomes happen we are telling ourselves how different our situation is from the next person’s. What stands out to me the most about this couple is their resistance to 1. Change and 2. Working it out. They both assume that the other is going to do or say something and then they want to get mad at the other for not taking the first step. The first step happens when you decide it happens. Since neither of them decided to take the first step, unfortunately they are filling for divorce and haven’t slept in the same bed for almost 5 years.
• What they have taught me is how important the 4 Cs are in a relationship. It’s not enough to just BE in a relationship you have to 4C in the relationship too!


*Carrie and *Big
(late 20s-30s, typical on again/ off again love story, dating for about 3+ years)
• The found each other by chance and decided to give it a try. The first time didn’t quite work out. Neither did the second or third or fourth times. Now she is legitimately trying to make it work but he’s not giving any real declarations about it. Both of them have been in serious relationships before, one of them has even been married before but what wasn’t learned from those previous relationships is slowly manifesting itself into this relationship. Their relationship can either go the Bill/ Claire route or the Marcus/ Angela route dependent upon how she communicates with him and how he compromises with her.
• What I am learning about this relationship is that women need to let a man know what she will take and what she will not. It’s not enough to talk about the good in a relationship, we have to deal with and talk about the bad. If you can’t look him in the eyes and let him know that you intend on being in this relationship for the long run then you might need to work on you. If he doesn’t know that you are looking for a husband because you are ready to be a wife, then maybe you need to work on you. If he can’t see you in his future, then he doesn’t need to be in your present. (period)

A relationship takes so many things to work and yes it can be tiring, yes it can be painful, and yes it most definitely can be challenging. But the 4 Cs can help.


Companionship
A person who is frequently in the company of, associates with, or accompanies another
You’re in a relationship to be in the company of someone else. To be with someone who supports you 360, who cares for you and who loves you. If you try to enter into a relationship stuck on yourself, then guess what? You’ll end up by yourself.


Compassion
A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
No one wants to converse or associate with a person who cannot understand where they are coming from. Granted men and women are different but when it all comes down to it, are we really? Men want what we want in a relationship, to be understood and taken seriously. So stop with the bitchassness! There is a reason you have two ears and one mouth...


Communication
The imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.
Whatever happened to the art of communication? When a man and a woman could speak from their souls without the threat of looking like a dumbass or loon? Or rather whatever happened to say what you mean and mean what you say? I will admit, as a woman, I would like for my man to know what I mean before I say it, but let’s be honest none of us are mind readers so how can we expect him to know what we mean or want if we don’t even know what we mean or want? The best relationships are those where the couples know how to communicate effectively whether it is talking when a problem arises or not talking when we are pissed at each other so we can communicate effectively with a clear head. When we learn how to communicate better, we learn if there are problems and how to fix them, we learn more about our mates, and we learn to understand each other more.


Compromise
A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.
Let’s be honest, my man and I don’t agree on everything. I actually enjoy the fact that he has his own mind. I can honestly say that we have grown a lot in our relationship to the point where when we have an argument we have learned to either agree to disagree or we just completely squash it. Arguments only last as long as you hold that grudge. On the other hand compromise also means knowing when to choose your battles. We all have flaws, including you. So getting upset with something minute about him and causing a huge blowout is only going to leave you single and confused. Choose your battles.


These are just some things that were on my mind lately. I hope if anyone has been having an issue in their relationship that this helps. I hope for those whose relationship is near perfect, I congratulate you. For you single gals, don't worry love will find you.

"The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous."
--Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)

XOXO
Tesha