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I got into a “discussion” with the BF about there being a lack of intimacy lately in our lives as his career takes off and my career is beginning. I understand that sometimes there just won’t be enough time to do all the loving things that we want to do or take all the romantic dates that I love to take, but I think there should always be time to give love to the one you love. When we start thinking that we are out of time or there is too little time to spend moments in love with our loved ones, we start to neglect them and the relationship that we built with them for so long. It’s easy to fall in love, but so much harder to stay in intimacy.
I told him that I feel like I try my best to be my best for him and wanted him to consider doing the same. I felt that what I do for our relationship is direct and tangible, there is no way of guessing that I am working to keep and maintain our relationship whereas it seemed to me that what he was doing was indirect and most of the time only he could tell what was being done.
It’s great to do things and be there directly and indirectly for our significant others, but if it has to constantly be spelled out what is being done then one of you needs to step up your game. We don’t want to be in a relationship where it doesn’t seem equal in the intimacy department. No one wants to feel like they are being taken for granted or even worse unappreciated.
“intimacy requires reciprocity—it takes two…” (Janell Carroll, Sexuality Now: Embracing Diversity)You can’t be in an intimate relationship with yourself, it’s not in our nature to be. Whether you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, or mutual companion, you have to show them that you are there for them as they have to do for you. You have to ensure that you are spending that quality time with them to ensure that the relationship stays fresh. Everyone wants to feel loved, what are you doing to make sure your loved one feels that way? How do you show them every day that you are thankful for their existence in your life and that they decided to make you their number one? Have you forgotten the reason you fell for that person in the first place? Is your relationship or marriage in trouble because the intimacy is waning?
I read a story entitled “Marriage” that was sent to me in my email. The story was about a man and woman who had been married for about ten years. One day the man comes to his wife and tells her I want a divorce. She asked him ‘why?’ to which he replied ‘I am in love with someone else.’ As he presented her with the divorce papers, she cried for days leaving him to feel sorry for her. When she finished crying, she sat to herself and began to write. For several hours she wrote until she presented him with a list of demands prior to her accepting their divorce. He read through them and even laughed at what she wanted with his current girlfriend. He decided that the demands were simple enough to do as he was ready to get on with his life.
What the wife wanted in the end was the reestablishment of the intimacy they had lost a while ago. After a month of her demands being met, the husband began to realize that it wasn’t the loss of love that caused him to go astray, but the lack of intimacy. Once he realized that the love had always been there and started to realize the intimacy that was lacking, he soon found that he loved his wife more than he had before. (read the full story HERE)
“true intimacy is more difficult to achieve than true love because the emotion of love may be effortless, whereas the establishment of intimacy always requires effort.” (Janell Carroll, Sexuality Now: Embracing Diversity)Love is easier to establish because it’s purely emotional for us. It’s easy to simply feel and allow those emotions to take over us. Hence the reason why we fall in love so many times in our lives but find ourselves only wanting to be with “the one” in the end. The true test in a long lasting relationship is intimacy. Intimacy requires us to not only feel but to also think. We have to think about the feelings of someone else in order to not only make them happy but to also make ourselves happy. When you realize that you aren’t living for yourself anymore and come to terms with the effort required to make a good relationship great, you’ll find that it becomes less of an effort.
To conclude, after having a talk with the BF and letting my feelings be known and letting him know that I refuse to be intimate with myself, I started to see subtle changes in him. I know he’s not perfect and I know it will take some time for it to be effortless for the both of us, but knowing that he is a work in progress and that he is willing to work on our intimacy I’m happier and more understanding. Because, you see, if you want change to happen, you can instantaneously make that decision to change.
“Passion can never purchase what true love desires: true intimacy, self-giving, and commitment” -Unknown
Such a great post and sooo true. Rarely lack of love that leads to the demise but lack of establishing the consistency of intimacy and recognizing the effort required to maintain the relationship. But when recognized and when both committ to ensuring needs are met, becomes less effort and more just a natural response to the love you feel for your partner. it's a great thing when realized. Great post!
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